i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
