I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
