I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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