omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
