i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
