I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
