I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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