I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
