i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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