He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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