just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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