you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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