...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
