I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
