it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
