my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
