I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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