I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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