just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
