I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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