when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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