I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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