i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
