You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize