she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The Olympian is in my bed
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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