That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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