So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
