I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
