How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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