He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
