capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
