I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
