I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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