And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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