Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
