I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
