I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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