come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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