I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
