We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i now understand why vodka
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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