My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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