My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need help removing her.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It all started with a game of naked twister.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
