That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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