I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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