just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
