In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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