Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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