I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
BRING THE BAGELS
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
