I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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