i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
