Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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