What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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