there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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