Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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