We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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