dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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